nyquiljunkie

It's been a long time since I've posted on this thing... and one would think I would continue in that fashion... but sometimes it's nice to just come back for a word or two....

life is a lot different than it use to be... i went back through my old entries... the old memories... and its weird to see the changes from then to now.... not all of it is good... not all of it is something i want to remember... but none the less they're there.... and now... the new ones i make... are just the same...

you think you know.... that everything is so sure and right... and just when you can actually be comfortable... the other shoe drops... and you see everything....

Li's walked back into my life... not in a good way... and not willingly.... I actually had to call mall security the other night to get him to leave my job... stalking is illigal in all 50 states buddy.... hopefully after sunday he'll leave me alone...

I have to find another place to live... i think I'm just going to get another apt in the place i'm at now... live by myself... and maybe that'll be best... iono...

right now i'm just here.... world is swirling around... and i'm just watching....


"i'm stuck in this circle...
going 'round and 'round...
knowing there is no future...

i gave up my everything...
for a small chance of nothing...
walked away from my comfort...
for something unsure...."

my writers block is back... my muse and inspiration just isn't here right now...

time will tell...

I was walking in a gloom
Seemingly alone on the beach
My eyes let the tears bloom
As you were painfully out of reach

You seemed to be with me all the while
But never in truth, never to be real
All the words and voices appear to have become mute
And the unspoken feelings - much too cruel

Flooding memories rush back in time
In every moment awake and every dream in sleep
Yet, I have no physical recollection to hold onto
And that you were never mine - makes me weep

Your absence now makes me go mad
And I am really confused about what we actually had
We trusted it was more than a friendship we shared
And, missing you this way is making me sad

I really don’t know what I feel inside
And this hurt makes my heart go weak
My emotions somewhere I have displaced
There are so many things and answers I seek

Was I a mere vacation for you
While you entertained your heart and mine?
Once again, I am stuck wondering 'why?'
Walking alone in the dark, wanting to cry

I long for a little word from you
Waiting by the phone that never rings with your call
I wanted you to be next to me, holding my hand...
(I should have caught myself when I knew I would fall)

Hopes of tomorrow seem to be fading
And my today is packed with grief
I am merely living with your memories
Even though the time we shared was so brief

I should have listened to all the signs...
After this I don't think I'll ever be fine
Especially knowing the fact that
You were never mine... And never will be

This is my last post on my livejournal for a long time, if I ever come back to this at all. There are things I can't bare to read or memories I don't want to remember. So it's over. Don't wait for me. Don't hold out on your life. Live. Be happy and have no regrets... I don't.

We had a great four years and the next guy that comes along is going to have a hard time surpassing you. You were my greatest love and maybe some day we can be friends again. I'll always have memories and I'll always love you.

"7 Minutes In Heaven (Atavan Halen)"

I'm sleeping my way out of this one
With anyone who will lie down
I'll be stuck fixated on one star
When the world is crashing down

I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type
But you've got me looking in through blinds
I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type

I’m sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own
I’m sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own

The only thing worse than not knowing
Is you thinking that I don't know
I'm having another episode
I just need a stronger dose

I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type
But you've got me looking in through blinds
I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type

I’m sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own
I’m sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own

I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type
But you've got me looking in through blinds
I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type

I’m sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own

Last night was my train wreck...


Advice to Nick: Live for the moment. Take every opportunity to be happy. If it makes you smile then it's worth it. Face your fears, Live your dreams, NO REGRETS

I guess people can call what i've been doing lately as living, but I know I'm just running in circles. A continues path that leads to nowhere and everywhere at the same time. A hole that goes down instead of out... I know it's destructive, but like a horrible train wreck I continue to watch even when I know the outcome. And I know where I'm going to lead. Just another notch on the bedpost, another line in a song. It's inevitable. I've accepted that fate and strangely, sadly and unfortunately, I look forward to it.

Sick and twisted isn't it?

But your face says TROLL! HAHAHAHAHA!

Life has been keeping me pretty busy. Been working a lot to get the store back in tip top condition and trying to weed through the crappy employees. Alan is doing a pretty good job as manager, and he's helping out with a few managerial things... when everything calms down aka, after he moves all his stuff and this hecktic weekend is through I am going to start interviewing a few people for fun...yeah...good stuff..

Speeking of schedules here is mine:

Friday: 830am-4pm at my store then a drive to Orange Park where I will work till 12pm. Oh so much goodness.

Saturday: 830am- 1pm at my store then drive home and crash like a bandit. Maybe a party that night. dunno.

Sunday: 1030am- 930pm at my store and then drive home and sleep? Not sure on the last part...

Monday: 9am- ? at the Orange Park store. Then I'm off to...PARTY...

Tuesday: ? Not too sure, but I know I'm working

Wednesday: off! PARTY

Thursday: off! PARTY MORE!

Friday: 4pm-midnight

Saturday: 930am - ?

Yeah... probably going to be hating my life...but i will be getting PAID!



Other things going on in my life? Nothing. Just work and hanging with the boys but that's a whole other story...

Well, not all the time. I do have a new store manager and he's awesome! His name is alan and he's got tribal tatoos down the sides of his head. Pretty wild. Also found out that he's here to train me...yep, so that when he leaves I get the store. Heck yeah! My store! MINE! I know in an earlier post I said that I didn't want it, but after weighing all my options, it would be in my best interest to just take it and run. Make out like a fuckin bandit.

That's about the one thing in my life going right. Go figure, the one thing that was causing a serious amount of stress is the only thing that's working out right.

I'm no longer sick. THANK GOD. now it's just a horrible ass cough that makes me sound like I swallowed a seal or something. Nasty ass cough that shakes my entire chest cavity and seems to interrupt my much needed sleep. Fawkers.

I'm thinking of driving out to the beach in a few minutes, but it's 1:30 in the morning, so maybe not. I might just go to the pool and swim. Iono. Being nocturnal fuckin sucks. Thanks Jermaine, I think you're rubbing off on me.

Then again, it might just be cause my body is use to being up till about 5 am now. Damn the boys.

Wrong turns. Two paths to choose from. Stupid fork in the road and all that jazz. Maybe flipping a coin would give me better results... cause lord knows my decision making skills are in dire need of help.

Okay. You know what? I'm sick of this shit. I am now going to lay it out.

KIM- YOU STUPID CHILD. YES, I CALLED YOU A CHILD. IN A POST PRIOR TO THIS I ALSO CALLED YOU IGNORANT. WHO IN THE HELL ARE YOU TO ASSUME ANYTHING ABOUT ME? YOU CONTINUE TO RUN YOUR FLAPPING LIPS AND NOTHING, ABSOLUTeLY NOTHING REMOTELY INTELLIGENT SEEMS TO SPILL OUT. WITH EVERY ACCUSATION AND ASSUMPTION YOU BELIEVE IS TRUE, YOU DO NOTHING BUT INVOKE THE WRATH OF MANY. DO YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT THIS WILL MAKE NICK LOVE YOU? THAT HE WILL DROP EVERYTHING IN HIS LIFE AND SUDDENLY HAVE EPIPHANY AND SEE YOU IN A GORGEOUS WHITE LIGHT? HA. KEEP DREAMING.

YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME EXCEPT WHAT YOU HAVE HEARD FROM NICK, AND SORRY, BUT THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS/ MONTH PROBABLY HAS NOT PUT ME IN THE MOST FLATTERING OF LIGHTS. BUT I CAN'T EXPECT YOU, A CHILD TO UNDERSTAND. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MY RESPONSIBILITIES OR MY GOALS. AND TO ASSUME I DON'T LOVE NICK, WELL. AGAIN, STUPID. I CAN'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND. YOUR ONLY RELATIONSHIP IS PROBABLY WITH THE KEYBOARD OF YOUR COMPUTER.

SO BASICALLY WHAT IT ROLLS DOWN TO IS THIS:

STOP TALKING ABOUT ME. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. STOP VOICING AN OPINION THAT WAS NEVER ASKED FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOUR LACK OF RESPECT FOR HIS FEELINGS, MY FEELINGS OR OUR SITUATION SHOWS WHAT LITTLE CHARACTER YOU HAVE AS A WOMAN AND AS A "FRIEND".

YOU TALK ABOUT ME MOVING FORWARD BUT IT SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY GOALS YOU HAVE IS MOVING INTO MY PLACE. WHICH OF US HAS THE MESSED UP PRIORITIES?

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO YOU OF ALL PEOPLE. NICK SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DEFEND ME BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE ATTACKING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'M JUST TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD. I'M TRYING TO FIND MY NICHE IN THIS WORLD. DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND TRY IT.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU COULDN'T EVEN WIN OVER A GUY WHO IS ON THE REBOUND.

BURN.

Well according to Jermaine I am a little devil... but hey, it is what I'm good at.

Right now I'm hanging out at Heathers for the third consecutive night. We're watching "The Phantom of the Opera" again and it's still such a great movie.

I have such a great schedule this week and hopefully I will have a new store manager by next week. I am off tomorrow and Sunday and then on Monday I close (gotta deal with setting the new release wall) and then I open on Tuesday for our new release day and then open on Wednesday and off on Thursday so Heather and I can go to the spa that is opening in our town center...and then I close on Friday and open on Saturday and I'm going to be working 38.5 hours... not too bad...

...right now Heather, Jermaine and Jenn are discussing which drug to start me on... xanax, ambien...lol... they'd rather me pop pills than smoke...

well i'm going to go...

HEATHER GRADUATES LATER TODAY!!! YAAAY!

That's what I'm talking about... Do I come to your job and knock the broom out ya hand?


I have been nice. Maybe a bit too nice. I've sat back and allowed some CHILD to call me "passive-aggressive" or "angst" or whatever WB vocabulary she learned that day... you have NO BUSINESS. NONE. You only know what Nick has told you and you have yet to understand what a relationship is made up of. It's never easy. As for me being drama filled, I am sorry to admit that drama is part of everyday life. I just chose not to aggravate it more by voicing an opinion that mattered as much to me as a grain of salt.

As for you telling Nick that he's blaming all his issues on you, bullshit. If you had left well enough alone, you wouldn't have gotten called out for being so damn ignorant.

Yes. I CALLED YOU IGNORANT. You are the manipulative bitch trying to insert your inferior, self-involved, emo, angst ass into his life when he is most vulnerable.


Trying to attack me to make yourself look better. No good. What could you possibly prove? YOU know as well as I do, that you can NEVER replace me. NEVER. As for Nick not being able to stand up to me? Yes, he can and yes, he does. He just knows how to compromise. But I can't expect you to grasp that thought, it might be a bit ahead of your time. The only person I see that needs to grow up is you.

I'm going to tell you this once. This is NOT a threat. BUT I suggest you not take it lightly.

Stay out of my live journal and stay away from me.

I'm sitting at Heathers watching "Higher Ground" and waiting till I absolutly have to go to work. In about 15 minutes... don't really want to go, but it's only a 5 and a half hour shift. I think I can survive. Right now I'm trying to convince Heather to go out to the town center and keep me company. Might even go to the movies after work? Iono. Anyways. Gotta get dressed for work.

For the past two days Heather and I have been out shopping. We went out to the Avenues yesterday before Heather had her final and I had work. Found a cute skirt from Learner's (sp?) and she found a really nice white shirt to go with her green skirt for her graduation. We did go to Sears and she found a really nice shirt but they didn't have the right size, so then we went out to the town center and to the Old Navy where I bought a pair of jeans, two shirts to go with my skirt and then some flip flops to go with the whole outfit. Yeah. I have been dying to go shopping and after the last couple of days, I've been given a good reason to... but whatever. Not going there...

Moviestop is still looking for a Store Manager for my store. Been thinking about just taking that position and finding someone else to do Assistant. But still thinking. I mean, I would keep the same hours, maybe add a few more but it would be salary and I won't be getting overtime but it would be MY store. MINE. Iono, maybe?

Right now I'm at Heathers *Been hanging out a lot lately, think it might be scaring some of the guys?* and we're watching "Phantom of the Opera" which is pretty good. I really like it. I think I might buy the book and read it. You know, catch up on my education.

Other than that, nothing else is going on. Just talking to people online.

D - are we on for Monday night or Tuesday night? Or both? ;-P

Jermaine! You finished with your papers yet? Huh?

Make me out to be the bad guy... it's more believable. I'm a horrible person, a bad girlfriend...whatever. I don't expect you to wait for me to make up my mind, but to assume that I am out trying to find the next lay or that I'm anything like any of your ex's girlfriends...that hurts. I'm sorry that I can't tell you why or explain anything to you because I don't know how to. I have no idea how to put the mistakes I've done into words. So if that makes you want to walk away and into another person's arms, so be it. Be happy. Enjoy your life. I'm a bitch anyways and you'll forget about me soon.

Well, this is fun. I am sitting in my room just watching tv and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day. I should probably clean my room and maybe a nap...maybe hang with the boys. I don't know. Just sorta living for the moment. Been doing that for about three weeks. Guess it's kept me busy so I can't think. Not really sure if I ever want to anyways.

Heather has been really great, keeping me company when I ned someone to talk to and at the same time, the guys have been really nice too. Jermaine, Bryan, Mikey Mike and Mike have put up with me and hanging out whenever they have time too. I love the pool hall.

The other new thing are my tattoos. I got two the other day, a chinese symbol for strength on my left wrist and on my right anckle I have a Daisy with some tribal and a petal pulled off. Fucking sweet.

Last night Heather and I went out to Steak and Shake and then McKanna invited us over and that was fun. We watched a few movies and we saw the house. Nice place. Full of AMC posters :-D He also has two dogs. A huge yellow lab and his roommie has a boxer. HUGE! I really wanted to play with them, but they'd totally run me over.

Overall a great night. Let's see what happens today...

I'm lying in bed completely relaxed. I'm supposed to be doing laundry, but I gotta get my brothers stuff out of there first. Fawker. I'm so exhausted. I had a hour of sleep? Maybe a bit less. Last night was Great. I had a lot of fun guys. We definetly need to do that shit again. Lexy, sleeping with you was sweet. After this past couple of days, I seriously need a pick me up.

Jermaine- how did you enjoy that smoke? Not as productive as you thought you were going to be. Nice try though. But like you said, I have to want to change in order for me to...

I didn't mean at 8am....

Today is my day off. It should consist of me lying in bed doing absolutly NOTHING productive. Syke. I got a call this morning... a few calls actually... from my third key. He was having issuses opening the store and it was not going over good at all. So, Heather and I drove over *stayed at her house last night* to calm him down and fix up any issues. My lordie were there issues. But that's fine, okay...we got it rolling and hopefully got his ass in check. Now I'm just surfing the web, trying to figure out what to spend the rest of my day doing....iono...maybe go to the mall. I saw a new tongue ring that I want and I do have the extra cash to fork over...

I've started some bad habbits, well just one and that's staying up till almost 5 am every night. I guess it's not extremely bad, but when I have to work at 9am every day, it might wear you down? So I'm told. Plus I've dragged Heather out with me and kept her ass up too. She's almost done with classes so I don't want her failing on account of my slacker ass.

Went to the pool hall the other night with a few people. I had fun, even played a bit of pool. And regardless of what anyone says *Heather* every girl has a chance...they just choose not to take it.

Oh yeah, I am NOT cutting my hair or changing my contacts...well, maybe I'll get green ones? Iono. We'll see?

Thats about it...boring old Trina...

For the past few weeks things in my life have taken a spin and pushed me into oblivion. It's dark, cold, and very lonely. I need time to just stop moving and re-evaluate my life. It doesn't mean I love you any less, or think you're boring. It's me. I know that it sounds cliche to say, but it's true. I put myself in a position that made me question myself and everything around me that I've taken for granted. I need this time to gain a different perspective and find me. The person I use to be. She's someone who wasn't always so angry, so self conscious, so difficult. I liked her better. The other half of me that was always happy. I can't pretend anymore, I can't live a lie. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. And please don't take this the wrong way, YOU didn't make me unhappy. YOU did your best to make me smile, but sometimes it isn't enough. I have to want it enough and lately, I haven't.

There is so much in my life right now with work. I know that you hate that, but it's true. I'm so stressed and so frustrated that I don't want to take this out on you or be a burden to anyone but myself.

So please, let me just be. I love you. I always will, but this is something I need to do. Something I need to prove to myself. Something I have to do alone. And when I'm ready, I'll talk to you. I pinky promise. Until then, take this time to find yourself, to find your niche. And if we're meant to be, then we'll be together again.

I know you say without me you're only half and I know how it feels too. You've been my flying partner for almost four years. You've seen me at my worst and still loved me with all your heart. You've stood by me through my anger, pain and I am grateful but now I need to see if I can do it on my own. Self reliance.

Please take care of yourself. Don't stress out over me. Don't lose sleep or eat less.

I love you. Always.